I don’t really know where to start writing. There’s so much that needs to be said, so many words – explanations, apologies and appreciation that needs to be expressed. Despite the absolute physical turmoil I’ve put you through in the last 19 years you’re resilient and, if I’d just stop to give you a chance, you can make the most amazing accomplishments! I realise that in an attempt to do all that I’ve been required to, or be what and who I wanted, you’ve been the one to deal with a lot of the pain.I want to write to you to try to apologise for what I’ve put you through and let you know that I do understand how much you do. There are times where I should have been in awe of your perfection, yet tried incessantly to perfect you further. Where, when you’d reached your ultimate level of exhaustion, I pushed you just that little bit further. Regardless of what I put you through, you always supported me. You always kept going and kept taking everything I threw at you with minimal complaint.
I’m sorry for;
– Not listening to you. You’re incredibly adept at letting me know what it is that you need. You’re persistent, that’s for sure, but you’re subtle and gentle. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to those requests often enough. I’m sorry that you often go hungry – I’m trying to fix that. I’m sorry that when you were exhausted, I made you do just a little more. I’m sorry I ignored you and fought so hard to silence your demands.
– Trying so hard to change you. From the day I was born, you did what you needed to do to help me survive. You carried me, as I grew and developed. You took me where I needed to be. You held me through the challenges I faced each and every day. You were unique and I wasn’t satisfied, you were built perfectly to do the job you needed to do but I still wanted more. I still try to change the way you look, the way you perform, I neglect you in an attempt to force you to change. I’m sorry for that, I promise I’ll try to be more gentle with you.
– Hurting you. Through each of those challenges we’ve faced together, I’ve often felt at a loss as to who needs to be punished. Unfortunately and regrettably, I’ve resorted to punishing you. You bear many scars from my anger and pain. I’m sorry for all the blood and pain. I’m sorry that you’d become the canvas that I etched into when I had no one to scream my messages to. I’m sorry, I’m learning, slowly but surely, new ways to deal with that pain, new ways to express it. I truly do apologise for putting you through that, but I’m thankful you were so resilient.
– Not appreciating you. You’ve done so much, and I just didn’t see it. I struggle to appreciate everything you’ve accomplished. Each of your triumphs went unnoticed. Everything you did for me, I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate it.
Thank you, dear body, for being you. For being strong and resilient, for often being my sounding board and punching bag. Thank you for growing and moving beautifully. Thank you for being persistent enough to make me listen to your cries. Even in times of weakness you never gave up. Thank you for, when I’d given up on you completely, continuing to fight until I gained a little more insight and learnt that it wasn’t over yet. Thank you for being the more insightful and intuitive of us, knowing what we needed and often ensuring we get it. Thank you for protecting me, when I should have protected you. I am your keeper, I should have respected you more. I should have been more in touch with you, listened more, accepted more. I should have honoured you. I tried my best to shield you from the bullying and abuse, the trauma. I tried to shield you from the outward attacks and we both know that I was powerless to stop most of it, but I most certainly should not have joined in on the bullying you endured.
Here is where I beg for your forgiveness. I ask, however, that you continue to be persistent? That you continue to be the more intuitive one for a little while until I learn how to pick up the slack? I ask that you continue to try to show me that I was wrong about us, to show me my true beauty. You’re smart, I know that, please keep astonishing me with your endless knowledge about us. You amaze me, honestly you do. I know that some of the damage I’ve done is irreparable, but can we try again? I’m not asking you to forget, quite the opposite, keep in mind everything you’ve endured and allow me to remember that so I can appreciate you even more. I can’t promise that this time I’ll be perfect, I can’t promise that I wont forget and I can’t promise I wont slip back into old habits, but I vow to try my hardest.
I promise to try to listen, I promise to try to nourish you when you need to be nourished, I promise to try to let you rest. I promise I’ll try harder. It’s not going to be an easy process, but I know you’re strong. I hope that you’ll let me try again and that you’ll let me keep trying until I get it right. Please don’t give up on me yet.
I’m learning, albeit slowly, to trust you. I’m learning to respect, appreciate, honor, love, and support you. I promise to try to be the voice that speaks for both you and I. We both want, we both NEED to be heard. I promise to fight as hard as you’ve fought. I promise to do you justice. I promise your efforts haven’t gone to waste.