Tag Archive | Life

Why keep fighting?

I went to see my psychologist at the ED clinic this morning. Flicking through my food diary she comments on how well I’ve done in the past week. “You’ve worked so, so hard to eat more regularly, eat better foods and to fight the urges that ED is going to bring up. You’re fighting, and you’re fighting hard – I can see that. If you look at this, look back at your entries, can you see that perhaps you’re stronger than ED after all? This is amazing. Seriously.”

I look at her, blink back the tears and resist the urge to tell her she’s full of shit. She asks me what it is that keeps bringing me back to her office. What is it that I keep holding onto, that I keep in mind when all I want to do is run away.

“I don’t know,” I whisper when what I really wanted to say was: “I want my life to be about nursing, friends, love and laughter. I don’t want every waking moment of my life to be about what I can and can’t, should or shouldn’t have eaten. I want to be the girl who can confidently walk into a room, scan her surroundings and strike up a conversation rather than avoid social situations as much as possible because she’s convinced she’s too fat and repulsive to put people through the misfortune of having to look at her. I want to be a 19 year old who has her whole life to look forward to, instead of spending her days planning how to end it.”

The last few days have been a blur. An emotional, exhausting blur. Yesterday, after spending an hour on the bathroom floor sobbing my heart out, I ended up taking my medication at lunch time and sleeping for 20+ hours. The black clouds continue to roll in, pushing what little blue sky was left away completely. I feel as though I’m walking around in lead shoes and I have to make a conscious effort to remind my heart to keep beating or to remember to take my next breath.

Yet, I’m keeping up the fight. I’ll keep getting out of bed most mornings, getting dressed and leaving the house. I’ll go to uni. I’ll go to my appointments. I’ll put food in my mouth, see friends, laugh, talk, live until it starts to come naturally again. I’ll go through the motions until I find the trick to making to black disappear. I’ll keep working towards recovery so I can be the girl I described, so the flowers have colour and the rays of sunshine make me eager to leave the house each day. I’ll keep fighting because I know that I couldn’t have better friends and family. I’ll keep fighting because the girl I want to be is hiding in there somewhere, she just needs to find the strength to kick ED in the groin and take hold of life once again. I’ll keep fighting because the benefits of living far outweigh the confines of an eating disorder.

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Day 20: Something you wonder “What if…?” about.

Sometimes I wonder…

“What if I’d applied myself more in school?” Would I be struggling less now? Would I be finding it easier to get through uni unscathed? Would I be getting better grades? I sometimes wish that I’d worked harder in high school, spent less time hiding and sulking or less time sitting in the corner blankly staring at the teacher, too scared to raise my hand for the bombardment of criticism that was bound to come my way (No, not quite an exaggeration – kids can be cruel and when you’re the only target, it’s like having 30+ kick me signs on your back at once!).

Or…

“What if I’d fought back?” Would I be stronger now? Would I be suffering like I am now? Would I be having the flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety and social phobia that I do now? If I’d fought back, would they have stopped? Would I have felt safe to go to school or to even leave the house? Would it have made things better or worse if I’d told those fuckers to leave me alone? Would I still be terrified that every time I step foot in a public place I’m going to be shamed and ridiculed?

Or…

“What if I’d asked for help sooner?” Would it have made a difference? Would it have made things easier? Where would I be now? If I’d asked for help 3, 4 or even 5 years ago would I have found a GP and psychologist as fantastic as the ones who are helping me now?

Or, the most morbid of all…

“What if I’d succeeded?” What if I’d managed to take my own life on that night. I’d miss out on this. I’d miss out on seeing gorgeous Piper being christened on this coming Sunday. I’d miss out on spending time with the brilliant Cassie, Ella, Kahli and Jackie. I’d miss out on spending time with Laura. I’d miss out on so much life. I’d miss out on becoming a nurse, looking after sick little people and eventually miss out on delivering them and welcoming them into the world when I’m a midwife.

The thing about wondering “what if…?” is that you’re dwelling on the past too much. The things you’re wondering about have already been done, they’ve happened and the consequences make you who you are today. The choice now is to decide whether you want the impact of the past make you stronger or bring you down. You have the power to be the strongest person in the world, you’re capable of being amazing and wonderful, so instead of wondering “what if…?” maybe we should be wondering “How can I let these experiences turn me into the best person I could possibly be?”

x

Day 19: Things you wish you had the power to change.

I wish I had the power to change so many things that I think are wrong with the world.

-I’d love to be able to change the fact that so many kids grow up in violent, terrifying and dangerous homes.

-If I had the power, I’d change that children, men and women are suffering from lack of clean drinking water and insufficient nutrition in third world countries.

– I’d change the way mental health care is addressed, I’d love it if treatment was more accessible and affordable for younger people.

(Note: I’m stuck in exam rut at the moment, so my posts aren’t going to be very long until I’ve dug myself out from under the pile of books and made my way through exam week (s) alive! I think I could have picked a better time to do a writing challenge, don’t you!?!)

Oxymoron

Today’s been both a good and a bad day, some aspects have been good and some have been bad, others have been both good AND bad. Talk about an oxymoron! I think I’ll break it down:

GOOD:
I managed to get through a fair amount of uni work today. I feel like I’ve accomplished something, even though I still feel INCREDIBLY behind I don’t feel as weighed down and my workload looks more achievable now I’ve bitten (pardon the pun) a sizeable chunk out of it. So that’s good. I’ve also managed to bring myself to eat 4 regular meals today. I’ve set alarms on my phone, three hours apart for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner and supper. I’m hoping a visual prompt will help me remember to tell myself that “I have a choice, I can choose to look after and nourish my body, or I can choose to let Her destroy me”. I’m hoping dinner will be an easy one to bring it to a 5 round meals with no compensatory behaviours (Regardless of how dinner turns out it is a MASSIVE achievement as it is today!) and then a nice warm milo for supper before bed!

GOOD/BAD:
I’ve eaten regularly today, however my meal sizes aren’t exactly what my dietician would call sufficient. I’m happy that I’ve eaten, but I know (if I’m honest) I’ll be ‘reprimanded’ with the “portion sizes are non negotiable” lecture on Tuesday morning.

I bought a new Nude Food Movers lunch box today. I bought it with the intention of making sure I’ll always have food with me and wont have any excuses to not have any of my regular meals, but there was also a sneaky little thought in there that I could monitor exactly how much goes into that lunch box thanks to the different sized compartments.

Good = I’m planning on taking food with me.

Bad = Her measurement rules are still controlling.

BAD:
I feel like crap, mentally and physically. Despite having regular meals, the actual task of preparing and eating said meals was exhausting. I’m also over tired, over emotional and anxious which doesn’t help make the situation seem any less dramatic. Last night was yet another restless, sleepless night. Falling into fitful slumber around 1130-1145pm and waking tangled in my blankets at 230am and I’ve been awake since, leaving me a tearful, emotional and over dramatic sook.

I know that my not-so-helpful eating patterns means that my body is trying to cope with the constant change in blood sugar levels, I can almost literally guess how high or low they are just by how I’m feeling, so I’m using a lot of energy simply trying to regulate body functions, therefore I’m even more exhausted.

There’s also one mother of a storm going on outside at the moment. I hate storms. The sound, the loud-ness (yes, it is a word – I just invented it) and the tension in the air sends my anxiety levels through the roof! I’m usually (and today is no exception) reduced to a hyper-alert, jumpy, rocking ball, curled up in the foetal position in what I render to be the safest part of the house (I.e. as far away from any windows as possible!).

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I wonder how tomorrow will play out. I have a GP appointment in the morning and a therapist appointment in the afternoon, I usually leave both appointments in a significantly worse mood than when I went in, and having two in one day means that you’re safer to avoid me completely at the end of the day. If I wasn’t so exhausted it probably wouldn’t be so hard to process everything. I just really want a good night sleep. That’s all I ask of you, universe! Even just ONE night – just so I can remember what it feels like to not be exhausted all day. Is that too much to ask?

Day 14: The reason you believe you’re still alive today

Simple. I have amazing friends and family who look out for me. If it wasn’t for K and Cassie, chances are I most probably wouldn’t be alive today. That, and the paramedics and ED nurses who did a brilliant job looking after me, monitoring my heart and managing to act quickly and sufficiently to counteract the effects of the drugs before I went into cardiac arrest. I truly believe that if I was meant to die that night, I would have. It’s obvious to me that there’s some reason for me to be here, and though I’m not entirely convinced, I do believe that God has his own way of making things work and that I’m supposed to achieve more in my time on Earth. There’s no way I could ever thank Cassie and K enough for what they did for me, there’s just no words to express how grateful I am.

Day 13: Goals.

I just realised that this is pretty much the same as my post on Day 3 where I spoke about the things that I would like to achieve.
Currently my goals are ever changing – primarily determined by what head space I am in at any given time. At the moment, my goals are simple:

– To learn to take it slow and learn to put myself and my body first.

– To do well, both at uni and in recovery.

– To accept the help that is being offered, rather than fight and protest and try to convince everyone that I know what is best.

– To learn, grow, develop and live rather than just ‘exist’.

Day 12: Someone you met randomly that’s made an impact on your life.

The title of this one makes me feel like being a difficult person and stating that everyone we meet is random. We don’t plan to meet someone do we? Well, not really – we don’t say to ourselves “Oh, some time this week I’m going to run into a person in Coles and they’ll be my new best friend”. I believe that every person we meet has come into our life for one reason or another, and every person we have an interaction with has the ability to impact your life – if even in the smallest way. It’s kind of like the butterfly effect chaos theory – where it’s been said that the flutter of a butterfly’s wind could cause a typhoon halfway around the world. I believe it works the same way for our lives and the relationships we conduct, whether you know it or not, will have some sort of impact on our life sooner or later – something simple that someone says may impact a decision you make 20 years down the track, The way someone treats you may impact the way you treat others and so on.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that everyone I’ve met, through one twist of fate or another may or may not impact my life in a small or even significant way without me even realising it, but if I were to name a few people that I’ve met that have impacted my life greatly they would be Laura and E. I spoke about both of these beautiful ladies in Day 9’s post. Laura and I met online, and it wasn’t until November last year when she flew up for my birthday that we actually met. I know you probably think that it’s a bit odd for someone to say that you’ve been best friends with someone when you’ve only physically met with them once, but she is and I hope always will be my best friend. I run to her for everything, and I know that she knows she can tell me absolutely anything. She’s someone I can trust to be honest with me and who I feel completely comfortable with no matter what.

E and I met through a mutual Facebook friend, Dannielle  who I met at my school when she came to run an Enlighten Education program. Actually, both of these women (E and Dannielle, that is) have both had a pretty big impact on my life. Danni’s program helped me see that I was in fact beautiful, and that I was worthy of love. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to speak with Danni afterwards and after sending her a message on line to thank her for her work, I added her on facebook and that is how I met E.

I was working on my year 12 art project and asked Danni where I could find some information. She suggested I contact E, and after talking and chatting online, we eventually met and she’s now become one of my closest friends and my unbiological big sister. It’s because of E that I’ve come to be able to seek help and accept that I am worthy of recovery.

All three (I’m pretty sure I started this post talking about just TWO amazing people) of these lovely ladies have impacted my life in one way or another. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to have met them and to have them in my life.

x