Confusion

I’ve decided it’s time that I start recognising my achievements and celebrating all my hard work, despite the outcome. Last week I received 100% in a maths exam and just scraped a pass in my physiology exam. This is a massive achievement for me, considering I didn’t study maths in school. However, I’d lost sight of how good this was. I’d been so consumed by the cloud of black in my head that I still felt like I wasn’t working hard enough. Anyway, today I thought I’d go shopping and buy myself something nice, just to remind myself that it’s okay to be proud of myself and my efforts.

This is where my confusion began – I decided I’d start at one end of our shopping centre and work my way through. First up was Target, the one and only place I can find nice sports bras, and they were on sale so I go to the rack and reach for what I assume to be my size – **** (Totes not disclosing THAT on a public blog!) – and go to the change rooms to try it on. WAY to big. Ok, I thought, my body has changed a little, I guess just more than I thought. So I go down a size and move on to Cotton On. I didn’t purchase anything in here, but tried on a few tops – one being a size M and the other an XL… they only both just fitted. I went to Fashion Fair next. Picking up a dress in an XL, I go to try it on. Too big. As was the L, M and S. XS fitted just fine. I decided I didn’t like the colour and put it back. I went and picked up two more, both different designs, but both XL. When I tried them on, one fitted and the other was too small… what the? Next was Big W. Tried on two pairs of jeans – 14 and an 18. Both fitted. I bought a top from Sisco in a 14 and it fits perfectly. The other day I purchased a shirt from the 40 Hour Famine website in a size 18 – it’s almost too tight.

Now, tell me – how does that work? Clothes shopping is one of the most triggering experiences I could ever put myself through, and now I can see why, when I can fit into a 14 in one store and an 18 in another. It’s like clothing manufacturers are giving Her fuel: “You could fit into the 14 last week and now you’re an 18 you fat cow”. I just need to remember that the chances are it’s not my body being uncooperative, it’s clothing manufacturers fucking with my mind. Bastards.